If you want to know how I feel about the nominated films I’ve seen, here is a tier list (made with Tiermaker).
If you cannot recognize the films from their posters, here are the titles written out (Worst Picture nominees are bolded):
B-/C+ (FAIRLY DECENT): Elvis
C/C- (MEDIOCRE): Samaritan, The Requin, The 355, Jurassic World: Dominion
D+/D (BAD): Mack & Rita, The King’s Daughter, Firestarter, Pinocchio
D- (TERRIBLE): Morbius, Lamborghini: The Man Behind the Legend
F (ABYSMAL): The Bubble, Marmaduke, Blonde, The Next 365 Days, 365 Days: This Day, Good Mourning
I am not here to personally attack any of the nominated actors and filmmakers. I am not a filmmaker, a professional actor, or even a film expert, but I do understand that the creation of a movie, regardless of its final quality, requires a lot of hard work, money, and strong talent. Personally, I think some of these nominations, especially the acting ones, are meanspirited and unfair.
WAY Better Than Last Year’s Nominees (at least in keeping my attention)
Folks, we are less than one week away from the Golden Raspberry Awards, the annual awards show that “honors” the worst that the film industry offered us in 2022. I won’t go into much detail describing what this ceremony is, but just know that it’s basically just an excuse for me to watch a bunch of bad movies and hopefully find a new so-bad-it’s-good obsession (I can only watch Birdemic so many times).
Last year’s ballot, in my opinion, had far too many forgettable, barely advertised, direct-to-video action movies, so I’m happy to say that this year’s was much more refreshing from a variety standpoint. Don’t me wrong, though, these were some terrible movies, and NOT in a so-bad-it’s-good way. Before going over the Worst Picture nominees and then my predictions for each category, I have a few other thoughts I’d like to share:
- I told you that they would make two sequels to 365 Days! Thank goodness, though, that they both came out the same year. However, it is a shame that they weren’t nominated in the Worst Picture, Worst Director, or Worst Screenplay categories because that would have made this prediction process a lot easier.
- Good move on the Razzies for removing 12-year-old Ryan Kiera Armstrong from the Worst Actress nominees. I already don’t like the acting categories in general, as they are mostly pinning bad writing and direction on competent, talented actors who were just doing their jobs. At least children won’t be a part of this anymore.
- I can’t believe I had to watch Marmaduke. Whose idea was it to cast Pete Davidson as a talking, cartoon dog in a children’s movie? I like a great deal of his comedy, but these types of movies are not a good fit for him.
- What, no special category this year? Not even a Razzie Redeemer award? Boo.
The “Worst” of 2022
The King’s Daughter
Let me make sure I have this right. This movie is a fantasy-romantic-drama-comedy-action-adventure? Ok, so like a live-action Shrek 2? Oh, it’s not that comedic? Ok, so is it something like The Shape of Water, but in a 17th Century French monarchy setting? No? I’m “way off”? You’re telling me that The King’s Daughter is just an awkward mess that tried to combine all those genres I originally listed? Yeah, I’ll pass.
(I heard good things about the book it’s based on though.)
My Grade: D
Pinocchio
My Grade: D
Morbius
Yo, Morbius, 2009 called. They wanted to know why you weren’t released back then. You would made for an adequate (at best) vampire/superhero movie released around the time Twilight and vampires were really popular and before the MCU really took off.
Seriously, though – this movie shows us how far the superhero genre has developed over the past 10+ years. Had this movie come out in the 2000s, then I imagine people wouldn’t be as harsh on its ridiculous plot, poor dialogue, and awful visual effects that are honestly inexcusable given its multimillion-dollar budget.
Shout out to all the talented actors who tried to make the most out of this disaster, though.
(And the audacity of this movie to end with a connection to the MCU…)
My Grade: D-
Good Mourning
Before this failed revival of the stoner comedy genre, I had only known Mr. Colson Baker aka Machine Gun Kelly (MGK) as a mediocre (at best) rapper turned mediocre (at best) pop punk singer. However, with Good Mourning, I can easily say that MGK broke through the chains of mediocrity in my eyes, now becoming known to me as outright terrible when it comes to directing and acting. As I said at the top of the post, I never want to personally attack actors and filmmakers because I know there are a lot of factors that go into the production of movies, but only a few minutes into this film, it was painfully obvious that MGK was not ready for a film career.
Imagine as if you’re a young, Hollywood actor living in an expensive mansion with all your friends, and aside from acting, your day-to-day activities consist of hanging out and doing drugs with said friends and a random assortment of celebrities. One morning, you wake up, and your significant other texts you “Good Mourning” (also, you had to look up what “mourning” meant). Whatever you’re thinking about what that text was supposed to mean, you are most likely correct (spoiler alert: it is also the resolution to the movie). However, you’re not you. You are the “talented” “actor” London Clash (played by MGK), and you are torn between stalking your girlfriend and auditioning for the role of Batman (directed by Tom Arnold). 90 minutes of bad humor and overlong smoking sequences later, everything works out in the end.
Yeah…puff, puff, pass on this one, people.
My Grade: F
Blonde
Blonde, the first ever NC-17 rated film to be released on Netflix, is a lot of things, but at its core, it’s a stylistically distinct, fictionalized biography that emphasizes the abuse and trauma suffered by the late actress Marilyn Monroe. It’s a movie that highlights the less-than-stellar aspects of the 20th Century pop culture icon. However, it does so in an overly gratuitous and graphic fashion that not only minimizes Monroe’s accomplishments and passions, but it nearly erases Monroe’s humanity, reducing it to only being a “biography” in name only. Ana de Armas gives a phenomenal performance as the lead role, but it’s a shame that it is the role of a perpetual victim whose continual abuse that we witness for nearly three dreadful hours.
For many audiences, me included, Blonde crosses a line between immersion in order to garner sympathy (or even empathy) and self-gratifying exploitation. In my opinion, the film makes its point about 30 minutes into its runtime, so the rest of it is dedicated to going into as much detail as possible about Monroe’s abuse and trauma for…shock value or something like that?
Look, I understand that the reception to this movie is polarizing. I even read through some positive reviews of Blonde myself, and but it seems that I can only agree that de Armas’s performance was really great and nothing else. Blonde is also technically competent and offers interesting visuals, but it doesn’t help when all these great aspects are merely there to booster the unnecessary and disrespectful depictions of Monroe.
I’m not too familiar with Monroe’s work and legacy, but she did not deserve this.
My Grade: F
And the Razzie (May) Go To…
Worst Picture
- Should Win: Blonde
- Second Choice: Good Mourning
- Will Win: Morbius
- Second Guess: Blonde
- Also Nominated: The King’s Daughter, Pinocchio
Worst Director
- Should Win: Andrew Dominik (Blonde)
- Second Choice: Judd Apatow (The Bubble)
- Will Win: Andrew Dominik (Blonde)
- Second Guess: Machine Gun Kelly & Mod Sun (Good Mourning)
- Also Nominated: Daniel Espinosa (Morbius), Robert Zemeckis (Pinocchio)
Worst Actor
- Should Win: Machine Gun Kelly (Good Mourning as London Clash)
- Second Choice: Pete Davidson (Marmaduke as Marmaduke)
- Will Win: Tom Hanks (Pinocchio as Geppetto)
- Second Guess: Jared Leto (Morbius as Michael Morbius)
- Also Nominated: Sylvester Stallone (Samaritan as Joe Smith/Samaritan/Nemesis)
Worst Actress
(Not a single actress in this category deserves to be nominated here. Out of all the categories, this most seems to be an excuse to get nominations for some mediocre-to-bad movies. My choices here are mainly based on how poorly I thought the characters were written.)
- Should Win: Bryce Dallas Howard (Jurassic World Dominion as Claire Dearing)
- Second Choice: Diane Keaton (Mack & Rita as Mackenzie “Mack” Martin/Rita)
- Will Win: Bryce Dallas Howard (Jurassic World Dominion as Claire Dearing)
- Second Guess: Diane Keaton (Mack & Rita as Mackenzie “Mack” Martin/Rita)
- Also Nominated: Kaya Scodelario (The King’s Daughter as Marie-Josèphe), Alicia Silverstone (The Requin)
Worst Supporting Actor
- Should Win: Mod Sun (Good Mourning as Dylan)
- Second Choice: Tom Hanks (Elvis as Colonel Tom Parker)
- Will Win: Tom Hanks (Elvis as Colonel Tom Parker)
- Second Guess: Pete Davidson (Good Mourning as Berry)
- Also Nominated: Xavier Samuel (Blonde as Charles “Cass” Chaplin Jr.), Evan Williams (Blonde as Edward G. “Eddy” Robinson Jr.)
Worst Supporting Actress
- Should Win: Lorraine Bracco (Pinocchio as Sofia)
- Second Choice: Mira Sorvino (Lamborghini: The Man Behind the Legend as Annita)
- Will Win: Lorraine Bracco (Pinocchio as Sofia)
- Second Guess: Adria Arjona (Morbius as Martine Bancroft)
- Also Nominated: Fan Bingbing (The 355 and The King’s Daughter as Lin Mi Sheng and the Mermaid, respectively), Penélope Cruz (The 355 as Graciela Rivera)
Worst Screen Combo
- Should Win: 365 Days: This Day & The Next 365 Days
- Second Choice: Andrew Dominik and his issues with women (Blonde)
- Will Win: Tom Hanks and his latex-laden face (Elvis)
- Second Guess: Andrew Dominik and his issues with women (Blonde)
- Also Nominated: Marilyn Monroe and John F. Kennedy in the fallacious White House bedroom scene (Blonde), Machine Gun Kelly and Mod Sun (Good Mourning)
Worst Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel
- Should Win: 365 Days: This Day & The Next 365 Days (Sequels to 365 Days)
- Second Choice: Blonde (Film adaptation of the 2000 novel of the same name)
- Will Win: Blonde
- Second Guess: Pinocchio (Live-action remake of the 1940 animated Disney film of the same name)
- Also Nominated: Firestarter (Adaptation of the 1980 novel and remake of the 1984 film of the same name), Jurassic World Dominion (sixth installment in the Jurassic Park film series)
Worst Screenplay
- Should Win: Good Mourning
- Second Choice: Blonde
- Will Win: Morbius
- Second Guess: Blonde
- Also Nominated: Jurassic World Dominion, Pinocchio
See you all in a bit for Oscars predictions! Peace!
Miles on Media 